Apologies first - I don't have any real reason to feel sorry for myself. I have a great life, a great family, great friends, a great cat, and yet, here I am almost crying. Gah - I get angry with myself when I get in this state. Thankfully, I don't often get in this state. But here I am now, and I'm hoping maybe writing about it will help get it out of my system and maybe I can get on with my day.

Dad always said that I didn't have to do what the voices in my head tell me to do. But I wish this once I'd listened to that small, still voice back when I thought "I'll have a party to celebrate my 33 1/3 birthday, and this time I'll invite my co-workers!." The still, small voice said "But nobody will come, so why bother?" Well, the party is this Saturday. And so far, I have one couple confirmed as coming, two maybes, loads of "sorry, have something else scheduled" and even loads more of apathy (ie, no reply to the invite). Bleh, not what I need for my self esteem. But, you see, this is the way it goes with my birthday parties.

I'm a New Year's Baby. Yes, the most wonderful time to have a birthday - when everyone's off recovering from their New Year's Eve festivities. On my 16th birthday, I thought it would be fun to do a New Year's Eve bowling party and invited all of my friends (which, sadly, wasn't a whole lot, but that's another pity party from another era). One showed. Thanks to some extended family coming, it wasn't a pathetic little group that showed at the bowling alley. Little, yeah, but not pathetically little. I didn't invite extended family to this gathering however... Dad will be able to come, but mom works and Amy & Rachel are in Minnesota.

Gah, the waterworks are starting again. Why am I focusing on the negative? Hell, for my thirtieth birthday, judiang flew all the way from Chicago to visit and elsaf drove through a snow storm to meet up with us for one afternoon (poor dear worked NYE and NY). Now that's devoted friends! And my co-workers are good people too. I had a blast at the Louisiana Boil. But just comparing the numbers that showed there to the ones supposedly coming on Saturday makes me feel even more pathetic.

Ah my kitty is so sweet. He's just come over to hang out. And since the party's at mom and dad's cottage at the Lake, he's not invited. Poor kitty. :(

There's the still, small voice in my head telling me I should just go ahead and cancel the thing. I'll talk some with the folks tonight and have them be a voice of reason. I think I'll bring chocolate.

Once again, sorry to be a wet blanket (literally) today. Tomorrow, I'm hoping for the usual happy trina to be back.

Current Mood: depressed